Writer's Revenge
by Sabulana
Summary: The real reason why Thorin, Fili and Kili die in the Battle of Five Armies. Or, why pestering writers about their work is not always a good idea. Having had enough of Fili and Kili's questions about his book, Bilbo decides a little revenge is in order. Mild Bilbo/Thorin.


A/N: Oops, I accidentally wrote crack fic instead of the next chapter of All that is Lost. I read a comment somewhere about the possibility of Bilbo being an unreliable narrator and the plotbunny bit and wouldn't let go. (I need a little lightheartedness at the moment anyway...) I don't know if this has been done before or not but I had fun writing it anyway.

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Bilbo should have never told the dwarves that he was writing an account of their adventures. Ever since then, Fili and Kili had been pestering him to read it.

"Oh, come on! Please, Bilbo!"

The hobbit turned away from Kili's wide blue eyes, clutching his book to his chest. "No! I keep telling you, not until it's finished!" he said sternly. He spun again as Kili tried to step around him. He could not give in to the pleading gaze if he could not see it, after all.

Unfortunately, Fili was waiting for him when he turned around. "But Bilbo-!"

"I said no!" Bilbo snapped. Giving up on finding any peace in his own room, he fled to the library.

Erebor's library had taken a long time to sort out after the mountain had been reclaimed. Ori, along with several scribes who had previously lived at Erebor and several from Dain's kingdom, had worked diligently to restore the library as much as they could. Many books and scrolls had been lost during Smaug's occupation but what was left had been lovingly restored. Now the library was a place of peace and quiet. It was also big enough that Bilbo could easily lose Fili and Kili among the stacks - especially with Ori's help. By now, he was a regular visitor.

"Escaping the terrible twosome again?" the young scribe greeted.

"How did you guess?" asked Bilbo. "I swear, I could throttle them if they ask me one more time if they're in the book. Of course they are! They were there!"

Ori chuckled quietly. "Well, there's a quiet corner at the back where you can hide. I'll head them off if they come looking for you."

"Thank you, Ori." Bilbo smiled gratefully and headed off among the tall rows of shelves. Once he was settled in the furthest corner of the library, the hobbit took out his book and pen and ink to write. "Now… where was I up to..?" As if being pestered daily to read the book wasn't bad enough, Fili and Kili had a terrible habit of making him lose his train of thought. Honestly, some days he really could just kill them…

Bilbo sat up. _'Hang on, that isn't a bad idea…'_

Bilbo sat in the library until long into the night, not even emerging for dinner. He was so caught up in his writing that he completely forgot about the passage of time. It came as a shock when he realised that not only was it late, but he had missed dinner, tea _and_ supper. Still, he had plenty written by now. Feeling quite proud of himself, Bilbo went to scavenge something from the kitchens before stumbling into bed.

Fili and Kili were quite surprised to find Bilbo had left his book behind the next day. They had gone to his room to find him (and hopefully sneak a peek at their hobbit's writing), only to find him gone and the book lying on his desk. Since they had begun pestering him, Bilbo had taken to carrying it everywhere, when it was not locked in his writing desk. It seemed that today, he had been unusually careless.

"Do you see what I see, Fili?" asked Kili.

"I believe I do, Kili," Fili replied.

Both brothers grinned and reached for the book. Fili opened the cover, checking that it really was Bilbo's book. _An Unexpected Journey: A Hobbit's Tale_ read the title page.

"…He won't be happy if he comes back and finds us reading it," Fili said, letting the cover fall closed.

"No, he really won't," Kili agreed.

"So the best thing to do would be to be somewhere else when he comes back," continued Fili.

"With the book?"

"With the book."

"It will need to be checked for errors anyway."

"Spelling, grammar… accuracy…"

"It wouldn't do to find that he's completely misrepresented us."

"So it's for the best that we take this and give it a quick once over…"

With matching smirks, the princes hid the book between them and crept from the room. Once they were sure there were no witnesses to their crime, they fled to find somewhere private to read.

Fili and Kili sequestered themselves in the armoury by the training grounds. They were notorious for avoiding training sessions with Dwalin ("But we already reclaimed the mountain. We proved we can fight! Why do we still need training sessions?" "You're young and reckless and nearly got yourselves killed. I am not letting that happen again." "But-" "Don't make me call your mother!") so they thought they would be undisturbed.

There was no such luck on their side, however. Dwalin stumbled across them after almost an hour. He wasn't sure if he was more shocked to find them in the training grounds or by the state they were in. Both were pale, staring at him with worried, almost frightened expressions. They looked quite ill, actually. Kili looked to be nearly in tears.

"Dwalin! Oh, it's terrible! Bilbo's written such horrible things!" he wailed.

"What?" To say Dwalin was confused would be an understatement.

"Here! Read it! It's awful!" Fili thrust the book at him. "And not true!"

Bewildered, Dwalin took the book and began to read. It wasn't long before he realised what had caused such a fuss. Really, it was a credit to the hobbit that he had managed to write such gory scenes without losing his own lunch (but then, the hobbit hadn't been at dinner, had he? Was this why?). Written on the pages were paragraphs upon paragraphs describing the Battle of Five Armies in horrific detail. It seemed accurate for the most part, up until Bilbo began detailing the gruesome deaths of Fili and Kili, fallen while defending their beloved uncle (who also died, Dwalin noted with some amusement). It was… graphic, to say the least.

"Right then." The warrior dwarf shut the book with a clap. "There's only one way to find out why Bilbo's written this and that's to go ask him."

"What? No! He'll know we read it!" Kili protested.

"Lad, you read the book. Now face the consequences," Dwalin said. "Now, come on. Let's go find him." He hauled the princes to their feet and nudged them in front. "Go."

They found Bilbo enjoying lunch with Thorin in the royal suite. They had their heads together, talking quietly. After the Battle, Thorin had apologised most profusely to Bilbo, who had not-quite accepted. Their relationship had been damaged badly by the incident with the Arkenstone and the hobbit was not so easily won over as to instantly forgive everything that had happened between them. He had promised to stay and try to work things out though, because he loved Thorin despite everything. It was slow going, but it seemed as though things were improving between them, if Bilbo's blushing smile was anything to go by. Both looked up as Dwalin and the princes entered though.

"Fili? Kili? What's going on?" Thorin asked, taking in his nephews' pale complexions. "Are you well?"

"Oh, Thorin! It's awful! Absolutely dreadful!" Kili cried.

Fili was calmer, turning to Bilbo. "We're sorry, Bilbo. We- we read your book. I know you didn't want us to but we just… couldn't help ourselves," he explained.

Thorin looked at the all, perplexed. "Bilbo's book? What about it has affected you so much?"

Bilbo reached for his teacup. "Your nephews were prying in things they had no business prying into," was all he said, taking a sip.

Seeing that no straight answers were going to come from anyone else, Dwalin took it upon himself to explain. "Bilbo here has written some interesting accounts of the Battle of Five Armies," he said. "Including some very graphic descriptions of Fili and Kili's deaths."

"What?!" Thorin turned to stare at Bilbo in shock. "Why would you do that, when they're clearly alive and well?"

Bilbo smirked into his teacup, cradling it with both hands. "That is what happens to people who pester a writer far too much about their story - especially when they have a role in said story."

"So that is a writer's revenge, is it?" Thorin chuckled. "I hope that will teach you not to annoy Bilbo about his book so much."

"You needn't laugh. He killed you too," Dwalin said.

"What?" Thorin turned to Bilbo, a hurt expression on his face.

"It's true!" Kili piped up.

"Nearly as gory as our deaths!" added Fili.

Bilbo's shoulders shook with suppressed laughter. "Yes, well. You were rather mean to me over that business with the Arkenstone." he said primly.

"I thought we were moving past that," Thorin said, and the only reason he wasn't pouting was because great Dwarven Kings, especially Kings of Erebor, do not pout. Ever. Even if Bilbo would later insist that he did. Obviously the hobbit was making things up again.

Bilbo flashed him an apologetic smile. "We are," he said, patting Thorin's hand. "But once I started, I found I couldn't stop. I did cry, though. In the book, I mean."

"Oh, yes!" Fili agreed. "He cried a lot. He was very upset when you died."

He seemed to go unheard. Bilbo let his hand rest on Thorin's. Thorin reached up to stroke his cheek, their faces coming closer as they looked tenderly at each other.

"Right, well. We'll be off then," Dwalin announced. He left Bilbo's book on the table and hauled the princes out of the room before they could disrupt the moment between the two lovebirds. Not that anything seemed to be disrupting them now. Even Kili's undignified squawk as he tripped over his own feet didn't bring them out of their own little world.

"Writer's revenge, huh?" Fili whispered once they were out in the hall. "Do you think that's an actual thing?"

"What if Bilbo intends to actually kill us the way he's written in his book?" asked Kili, far more concerned about that.

Fili thought for a moment. "We could ask Ori," he suggested, as he was the only one they could think of to ask. If anyone would know, surely he would.

"Good plan. Let's go."

They found Ori exactly where they expected him to be - in the library. The younger dwarf was putting scrolls away among the higher shelves when they found him.

"Ori!" Kili yelled.

Ori looked down from his ladder. "Quiet in the library!" he hissed.

"What?" called Kili.

Ori sighed and hurriedly shoved the last few scrolls into place. He slid down the ladder with practised skill (and Ori would never admit to having actually practised in the hopes of perhaps impressing someone someday). "What do you want?" he asked, keeping his voice low. "And Mahal help you if you start shouting in here again."

"Sorry," Kili whispered apologetically.

"We just had a question to ask you…" Fili began. "You see, we found Bilbo's book…"

"And we read it," Kili added.

"Only… he'd changed the way things actually happened!"

"He wrote that we died!"

"And when we asked about it, Thorin said it was 'writer's revenge'. So we wanted to know - is that an actual… thing, you know?"

"And if it means he actually is going to kill us in our sleep or something."

Both brothers looked expectedly at Ori. Ori looked between them, eyebrows raised. "Well, of course writer's revenge is an actual 'thing'. Authors, scribes - anyone who writes has a way of dealing with those who pester them too much about their work," he said serenely.

"Even you?" asked Kili, wide-eyed.

"Well, of course. You didn't think my knitting needles were used only for _knitting_, did you?"

The brothers looked at him with impossibly wide eyes, mouths dropping open. As one, they took a step back, then another. Reaching the end of the row of shelves, they turned and fled. Ori waited until he was sure they were out of earshot before allowing himself to collapse against the shelves in muffled laughter.

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A/N: Regarding the title of Bilbo's book - since he hasn't been 'There and Back Again', that title wouldn't fit. So I just ganked the title from the movie. Also, I'm feeling a bit more confident about my characterisation of Ori. I enjoyed writing his parts in this. Of course, if anything seems off, please do let me know! Feedback is loved.


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